Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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