separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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