you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
