I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
