i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
