His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
