"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
