Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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