According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
