Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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