My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
