just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
