When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
