I think I died a long time ago.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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