this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
