i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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