You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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