btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I think I won the penis lottery.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
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