i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
