You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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