i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
babies were throwing up all over the place
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
