I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Randomize
