Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
