I think my fart just growled at me.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
