just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
