I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
