just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I will be naked everywhere
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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