It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
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All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
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She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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