Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
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Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
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do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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