Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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