I will die if light touches me.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
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I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
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No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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