If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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