You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
