I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
