If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
