i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
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the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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