You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
