I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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