You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
