please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
