I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
