Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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