I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize