what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
