so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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