she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize