You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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