There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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