If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
