Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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