My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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